Old Lady and the Bank President

A little old lady went into the bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because, "It’s a lot of money!" The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.

She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash on his desk. The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma’am, where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, "I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The old lady said, "Okay. But since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.

The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

The president said, "What wrong with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I’d have the Bank president’s balls in my hand!"

Psycho IT

Psychoanalyst (P) sits bored in his office waiting for the clients.
Suddenly the door opens and a guy gets in walking on his knees, with
something in his mouth and dragging a rope behind him.
P: “My, my… What do we have here? I think it’s a little snake. Come,
come crawl in, crawl in little snake, doctor will help you.”
The guy desperately shakes head.
P: “Oops, sorry… Bah, it’s a little turtle came to visit us. Crawl in,
crawl in little turtle, lie down on the couch, and tell good doctor
DoLittle what’s the problem.”
The guy shakes his head again.
P: “Hmmm. Oh! I think it’s a little worm…”
Finally the guy looses his patience and shouts::
“DOCTOR JUST SHUT UP!!!! I’M JUST TRYING TO INSTALL THE NETWORK…”

Ten things men know about women

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The Priest and the Sailor

The sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor was not very good at it, and uttered a loud "F***, missed!" each time he missed.

The priest tolerated him for a few minutes and couldn’t take it anymore. "Do not swear thus, my friend, or God will punish you."

It didn’t make a difference; the sailor continued unabated. One stroke after another, the sailor played badly, and followed up with "F***, missed!"

Again, the priest said, "Do not utter such profanities, or God will show you a sign." It didn’t help, and the next stroke missed was followed by a loud "F***, missed!"

A bolt of lightning dropped out of the clouds and struck the priest dead. A voice was heard in the clouds: "F***, missed!"

Hunter

Two guys from the mafia went hunting. The hunt was going quite well, but suddenly one of them had a heart attack. The second one freaked out and called 911:
“Operator! Operator! My friend had a heart attack! Eh… I think he’s dead.“
„Calm down sir. Is he really dead? Sir, make sure if he’s really dead!”
“Ok. Just a minute”, the operator hears the gunshot. “Yeh, he’s really dead! Now what?”