An argument with a wife

An argument between married couple. The husband says:
“My darling, you are wrong.”
“Am I…? You mean, that I’m not telling you the truth…? So, what are you saying? That I’m lying!?… You call me a liar!?
“No, no, no…. Darling, I’m just…, just…”
“Oh!!! You think, I don’t know what I’m saying!!? …You mean, I’m just bitching..!!!? MOTHER, HE CALLED ME A STUPID LYING BITCH…!!!!”

Love in the fridge!

Middle aged guy dies and gets to heaven. There he meets his friend who also died recently.
"You are here?! How Come? How did you die? "
"Well, I froze to death. And you?"
"I died from laughter"
"That’s interesting. How?
"Well I got back from a business trip a day early, didn’t want to go home so I went to my lover. We were having a great time when the doorbell rang – her husband came back early. I was really scared, but she handled it perfectly. She took a trash bag, opened the door and asked him to take out the trash. Before he got back, I quietly got out. With nothing more to do I decided to go home. And what do you think – my wife opens the door with a trash bag and says: "Honey, could you take out the trash…". "Sure", I think. "I’m not that stupid." I get into the house, check the bedroom, check all the closets, turn down the whole house – nothing. Suddenly the whole situation started to seem so absurd that I started laughing and chocked to death…"
"You moron!", shouts the other guy. "Should have checked the fridge. We both could be alive now…"

You've been programming too long when

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.

When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"

When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.

When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.

When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.

When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.

When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

Priest's First Mass

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Who runs the human body?

In the human body, which organ is in charge? All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge. The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss. The moral of the story? You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.

Accountants and Engineers!

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all).

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Obviously nuts!

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only shorts made from Gladwrap.

The psychiatrist says, ''Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.''

Linguistic Lapses

In a Bangkok dry-cleaner's shop: Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Hong Kong dress shop: Ladies have fits upstairs.

In a Copenhagen airline office: We take your bags & send them in all directions.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend your afternoon having a good time.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride own your own ass?

Whatever happens, happens for a reason.

Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end,
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.

And I never see my old friends face,
For life is a swift and terrible race,
He knows I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.

And he rang mine if, we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.
Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.

"Tomorrow" I say! "I will call on Jim"
"Just to show that I'm thinking of him."
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.

Around the corner! yet miles away,
"Here's a telegram sir" "Jim died today."
And that's what we get and deserve in the end.
Around the corner, a vanished friend.

Italian Mom

Mrs. Bacciagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. Anthony lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, Mama can''t help but notice how pretty Anthony''s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meets the eye. Reading his Mom''s thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just roommates." About a week later, Maria comes to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I''ve been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don''t suppose she took it, do you?" Well, I doubt it, but I''ll e-mail her, just to be sure." So he sends his Mom an email: "Dear Momma, I''m not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house, and I''m not saying that you didn''t take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,

Anthony"

Several days later, Anthony receives an email response from his Momma. "Figlio mio, I''m not saying that you ''do'' sleep with Maria, and I''m not saying that you ''do not'' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Momma"

A Dog's Life

A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog
coming inside the shop. He shoos him away. But later, the dog is back
again. So, he goes over to the dog and notices it has a note in its
mouth.

He takes the note and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of
lamb, please? The dog has money in its mouth, as well."

The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar note
there. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag,
placing it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is so impressed, and since
it's about closing time, he decides to shut the shop and follow the dog.


So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when it comes to a
level crossing; the dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the
button. Then it waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn.
They do, and it walks across the road, with the butcher following him
all the way.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable.
The butcher is in awe as the dog stops a bus by pulling its left leg up
and gets in it. The butcher follows the dog into the bus. The dog then
shows a ticket which is tied to its belt to the bus conductor. The
butcher is nearly fainting at this sight, so are the other passengers in

the bus. The dog then sits near the driver's seat looking outside. As
soon as the stop is in sight, the dog stands and wags its tail to inform

the conductor. Then, without waiting for the bus to stop completely, it
jumps out of the bus and runs to a house very close to the stop.
It opens the big Iron Gate and rushes inside towards the door. As it
approaches the wooden door, the dog suddenly changes its mind and heads
towards the garden. It goes to the window, and beats its head against it

several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher

watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the dog, kicking

him and punching him, and swearing at him. The butcher surprised with
this, runs up, and stops the guy.

"What in heaven's name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be
on TV, for the life of me! "To which the guy responds: "You call this
clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog's
forgotten his key."

Moral of the story.....
You may continue to exceed on lookers expectations but shall always fall

short of the boss' expectations.

It's a dog's life after all.....